No yarny goodness today, people! If you want a cheery post, I suggest you go elsewhere! Also, if you are of a nervous disposition or are offended by bad (or as I like to call it, vigorously emphatic) language.
I am so VERY FUCKING SICK of being depressed all the time. I was thinking about trying to get back to 'normal' the other day, and I realised that I have no idea what 'normal' is. I know 'normal' is different for everyone, but I don't know what normal should feel like for me. I don't know what it is or how to get there. It's all very well to try and fight the depression, but shouldn't I know what I'm fighting for?? Shouldn't I have a goal that's better defined than 'not too depressed'?
All this leads, of course, to me questioning my entire identity. If so much of me is made up of depression and anxiety and stress and self loathing - what's left? Would I recognise it if I saw it?
Maybe this is why I'm having so much trouble fighting the depression - I'm fighting for a return to health that I'm not sure I ever had.
I want to get OUT from under this thing, but I don't know how - I don't know how not to be depressed any more. Which is, let's face it, terribly depressing. Is the sum total of my life going to be "Fat and Depressed"?
And why the arseing hell am I dutifully taking my meds for if they're not helping? Lord knows I can be this depressed without chemical aid. Nope, don't need meds to be depressed!
Please don't think this is a request for reassurances or pats on the head - I need to get this off my chest. It's a new line of thinking for me and one I think I need to explore a bit further.